Dennis: I can lose weight, but you'll always be an asshole!
Oglethorpe: The only thing bull semen has ever done for me is activate my gag reflex.
Jake Rodgers: I'm the Black Rambo.
Gina: ...Blambo?
John Farley: You have a father?
Mr. Woodcock: Of course I have a father, Farley, I'm not Jesus.
Jack: This isn't Paris. This is hell.
Phil: I've gotta drop the kids off at the pool.
Juliette: We have a pool?
Phil: Uh, no.
Silas: I gonna drop you like K-Fed.
Benjamin: We are journalists! We can't do this. It is unethical... and insane.
Simon: It would be a pleasure to personally catch him.
Benjamin: By ourselves. By ourselves. We don't even have any weapons.
Simon: If I gave you a gun, would you know how to use it?
Benjamin: No.
Simon: Then what the fuck are you complaining about?
Duck: I told you. The moment you start drinking that Bosnian brandy, the devil's sitting in the corner, just laughing.