Vince: Hey coach. Name is Vince. I'm just a bartender from Philly whose only dream is to play ball. It's all I got left after I lost my job teaching, and my wife left me. Like my alcoholic father used to say before he passed on, "A man can only take so much failure!" I'll give you everything I got. What do you say coach?
Lambeau "Coach" Fields: I say you can add "Did not make the football team" to your list of woes.
Murphy Bivens: I'll see you in the sequel, bitch.
Joe Kingman: Then you get inside people's minds, and you drive them crazy, just like her.
Peyton Kelly: Well at least I got a mind, because if I didn't, I'd be just like you.
Turner Claymore: Here at Berm-Tech we offer you a handshake, whether you have hands, hooks, or flippers.
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: My hat's stuck.
Molly Mahoney: Ha... looks like you're gonna need a ladder.
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: Naah. I just need to jump higher.
Molly Mahoney: Eric... that's seven feet, at least.
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: Seven feet? Really?
Molly Mahoney: At least.
Eric Applebaum, the Hat Collector: You think I should get a running start?
Hertz: Come on, Smith, come on, guns don't kill people - but they sure help.
Sadie Jones: Reverend Frank? What... What are you doing here?
Choir Boy: Reverend Frank is everywhere, remember?
Mackenzie Carpenter: Lenny couldn't find his ass with both hands.
Jean Paul Clement: Most people are together just so they are not alone. But some people want magic. I think you are one of those people.
Glen the Desk Clerk: Hello, welcome to the International Inn. How many?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: There's 8 of us.
Glen the Desk Clerk: 8, 8 people for a suckfest.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, no suckfest. We're here for a convention.
Glen the Desk Clerk: I like convention too. I'm in a convention. A suckfest convention.
Carnahan: What about the guys that were convicted of rape? Can we rape them?.
Stan Minton: Rape the rapists. Seems fair, punishment fitting the crime and all. Sure, go ahead.
Cleon: How 'bout them child molesters?
Stan Minton: Yeah, them, too. Good point.
Wilson: Misanthrope seeks misanthrope. Honestly, if you respond to this ad then you are probably not the kind of woman I'd go out with. I guess I'm lonely and it's new years and I'm willing to embarrass the hell out of myself with this ad. About me: My girlfriends over the years have been intelligent and beautiful, in the end they have all broken my heart, whatever that means. My friend says I have to have a foto, so here it is. Talk to you soon. Wilson.
Dennis: I can lose weight, but you'll always be an asshole!
Jake Rodgers: I'm the Black Rambo.
Gina: ...Blambo?
Jack: This isn't Paris. This is hell.
John Farley: You have a father?
Mr. Woodcock: Of course I have a father, Farley, I'm not Jesus.