Dan Burns: I don't want to go out with the pig... face.
Billy: Let's carve a scary face this time.
Trudie: There may not be such a thing as a perfect job, a perfect life or a perfect family, but there is such a thing as a perfect moment. So I take back what I said. Doing one crazy thing probably does make you crazy, but it also can make you happy.
Kate: I wish there was a cookbook for life, you know? Recipes telling us exactly what to do. I know, I know, you're gonna say "How else will you learn, Kate."
Therapist: Mm. No, actually I wasn't going to say that. You want to guess again?
Kate: No, no, go ahead.
Therapist: Well what I was going to say was, you know better than anyone, it's the recipes that you create yourself that are the best.
Professor Farnsworth: Time travel is impossible!
Fry: But Professor, you time traveled yourself. Remember? When we went back to Roswell?
Professor Farnsworth: That proves nothing! And furthermore, you'd think I could remember a thing like that! Plus, who are you anyway?
Peggy: It's nice to have a word that can describe you. I've never had that before.
Lars Lindstrom: I was hoping winter was over.
Margo: No, it's just a thaw - winter isn't over till Easter.
Annabelle Fritton: Daddy, you can't expect me to stay here, it's like Hogwarts for Pikeys!
Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: Fuck off.
Alison Scott: What?
Ben Stone: What?
Bruce Campbell: You don't know fear, kid. You've never worked with Sam Raimi.
Trina: I'm sure she's fine.
Angela: Trick, was anybody talking to you?
Trina: Trick?
Angela: Yes, trick. As in slut, whore, tramp. You don't know your name?
Cam Wexler: Shit! Shit shit shit... pardon my French.
Charlie: I speak a little French and that sounded like "shit."
Justin: You can't fight what we had together.
Martha: Justin, it was one night, it was a massive mistake. I was drunk out of my mind, you could've been a donkey!
Alvin: I feel like P. Diddy with fur.
L. C. Cheever: You got it backwards kid. You play cards the way you should lead your life. And you lead your life the way you should play cards.
Paige Hardwicke: Oh, let's see the new Colin Farrell movie.
Carter Webb: Oh, let's not.
Dr. Godfrey: It's true! Vagina Dentata! Vagina Dentata! Vagina Dentata!
Chris Riley: Alright, it's my fault and I hate myself for it, but I'm not upset, and do you know why?
Alex Fletcher: You've been at my liquor?
Larry McCoy: I'm getting too fat for this shit.
April Epner: Your wife was seeing someone else?
Frank: Pretty much everyone else. I was too much for her.
April Epner: Your wife? I'm sure she didn't feel that way.
Frank: She told me.
April Epner: What did she say?
Frank: 'You're too much for me.'.
April Epner: Ugh.