Beryl: Paranormal? Is that what they're calling your kind these days?
Otho: Don't mind her. She's still upset because somebody dropped a house on her sister.
Jack Walsh: Here come two words for you: shut the fuck up.
Rev. Brown: I got a special treat for ya' this evening, a young man that you all know as Joe the Policeman from the "What's Going Down" episode of "That's My Momma." I want you to put your hands together, and welcome him to the stage. Big round of applauds for Jackson Heights own, Mr. Randy Watson, YES! Randy Watson.
Carlos: You son of a bitch! How could you do this? Friendship is the only choice in life you can make that's yours! You can't choose your family, God damn it - I've had to face that! And no man should be judged for whatever direction his dick goes - that's like blaming a compass for pointing north, for Christ's sake! Friendship is all we have! We chose each other. How could you fuck it up? How could you make us look so bad?
Chucky: We're friends 'til the end, remember?
Andy: This is the end, friend.
John McClane: Oh, you're in charge. Well, I got news for you, Dwayne. From up here, it doesn't look like you're in charge of jack shit.
Dwayne Robinson: You listen to me, you little asshole.
John McClane: Asshole"? I'm not the one who just got butt-fucked on national TV, *Dwayne*.
Heather Chandler: Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?
Roger Rabbit: No! Not my Jessica! Not pattycake! It can't be! It just can't be! Jessica's my wife! It's absolutely impossible! Jessica's the love of my life. The apple of my eye. The cream in my coffee.
Eddie Valiant: Well you better start drinking it black, Acme's taking the cream now.
Willow: What are you doing?
Madmartigan: I found some blackroot. She loves it.
Willow: Blackroot? I am the father of two children and you never, ever give a baby blackroot.
Madmartigan: Well my mother raised us on blackroot. It's good for you. Puts hair on your chest. Doesn't it, Sticks?
Willow: Her name is not Sticks. She's Elora Danan, the future empress of Tir Asleen and the last thing she's gonna want is a hairy chest.
Roman: I gotta go to the John, I'll be right back. Gonna introduce Mr Thick Dick to Mr Urinal Cake.
Richard Brewer: Lord, forgive us for our wrongdoings, for our misguidance by heathen religions. Thank you for keeping us alive. Lord, be with us in doing the right thing. Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallow be thy name.
William H. Bonney: Please, Dick. It's getting cold. (he and Dick both pull guns on each other) I could've killed you, Dick. I could've killed you, but I don't want to kill you. I want to eat.
Salvatore 'Toto' Di Vita - Adult: Elena, perhaps in the future we could.
Elena Mendola - Adult, Director's cut only: No, Salvaotre, there is no future. There is only the past. Even last night's encounter was just a dream. A wonderful dream. When we were young, we never did it. Do you remember? Now that it has happened, I can't imagine a better ending.
Salvatore 'Toto' Di Vita - Adult: I'll never agree with you. Never.
Jane: How about a rain check?
Frank: Well, let's just stick to dinner.
Crash Davis: This son of a bitch is throwing a two-hit shutout. He's shaking me off. You believe that shit? Charlie, here comes the deuce. And when you speak of me, speak well.
Victor: I'm Lin. You Jackson? You look like a Jackson. That must make you Frank Ducks.
Frank Dux: No, it's DUX.
Victor: Oh, right, like put up your dukes.
Dropout #1: Hey, dweebs! Does mommy hold your dicks when you piss?