Quotes from Kal Penn movies and TV shows

The First Day - S1-E2

Seth Wright: Mr. President.
Tom Kirkman: You don't need to get up every time I walk into a room. I'm not the Queen.
Seth Wright: No, sir. Virtually no resemblance.

Cubs Fan ★

The First Day - S1-E2

Tom Kirkman: D.C. police called the White House switchboard, wanted to confirm that you worked here. What happened this morning?
Seth Wright: What happened in Michigan. What always happens. When people don't know who their enemy is, they start with people who look like me.

Cubs Fan ★

Edward: Captain Morgan! I love your rum.
Captain Jack Swallows: No. Captain Jack... Swallows... At your service.
Edward: Jack Swallows? That's kinda gay, dude.

Edward: A chocolate river! Mmm! Mmm! Chocolate! Hahahaha!
Willy: That's actually the sewer line.

Harold: Dude, we're so high right now!
Kumar: We're not low!

Kumar: So she's kinda fucking cute. Let her touch your penis.

Kumar: Dad, come on.
Dr. Patel: Daddy is not coming on anything!

Kumar: Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car?
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. Prick.
Neil Patrick Harris: [looks down to count money.] Here's 80 for the meal, and 200 for the car
Harold: What did you do to my car?
Neil Patrick Harris: I made some love stains in the back. You'll see.

Harold: Oh, nice. 16 Candles is on, man.
Kumar: And the award for the least heterosexual statement ever made in this apartment goes to... Harold Lee! Come on down, man! Take a bow!
Harold: Shut up, man. It's a classic.

Harold: I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like,20 of those burgers, man.
Kumar: Dude, fuckin' I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.

Kumar: How were Katie Holmes' tits?
Goldstein: You know the Holocaust?
Kumar: Yeah?
Goldstein: Picture the opposite of that!
Kumar: Nice!

Harold: Are those my scissors? I trim my nose hair with those.
Kumar: Dude... I've been cutting my ass hair with these.

Kumar: Dude you don't understand, we've been craving these burgers all night.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah I've been craving burgers too...fur burgers.

Taj: As Mr. Van Wilder would say, "If you can't join them, beat them."

Kumar: Uh, miss, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you rape my friend on Christmas Eve.

Kumar: I haven't shaved since you left. Pretty romantic, right? Like Ryan Gosling in "The Notebook."

Harold: You still haven't explained the gay thing.
Kumar: You're not gay, motherfucker.
Harold: At all.
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah that's something us magicians like to call misdirection. Just a little something I picked up from my man, Clay Aiken.
Kumar: What? Clay Aiken's not gay?
Neil Patrick Harris: Are you kidding me? Clay's the biggest coos hound I know. That guy gets mad gash.

Harold: I thought smoking weed was supposed to stop fertility. That's why I quit.
Kumar: Yeah? Well, tell that to Snoop's kids.

Kumar: Hold the fuck on, Reba. Your son can rub his ass on Santa's cock in a minute.