Quotes from Jack Lemmon movies and TV shows

C.C. Baxter: The mirror... It's broken.
Fran Kubelik: Yes, I know. I like it that way. Makes me look the way I feel.

J.D. Sheldrake: Ya know, you see a girl a couple of times a week, just for laughs, and right away they think you're gonna divorce your wife. Now I ask you, is that fair?
C.C. Baxter: No, sir, it's very unfair... Especially to your wife.

C.C. Baxter: That's the way it crumbles... Cookie-wise.

C.C. Baxter: Miss Kubelik, one doesn't get to be a second administrative assistant around here unless he's a pretty good judge of character, and as far as I'm concerned you're tops. I mean, decency-wise and otherwise-wise.

Margie MacDougall: Night like this, it sorta spooks you, walking into an empty apartment.
C.C. Baxter: I said I had no family; I didn't say I had an empty apartment.

Fran Kubelik: He's a taker.
C.C. Baxter: A what?
Fran Kubelik: Some people take, some people get took. And they know they're getting took and there's nothing they can do about it.

Jack Godell: I know the vibration was not normal.

Shelley Levene: What the hell are you? You're a fuckin' secretary. Fuck you. That's my message to ya: fuck you and you can kiss my ass and if you don't like it baby I'm going across the street to Jerry Graff, period, fuck you.

Professor Fate: Leslie escaped?
General: With a small friar.
Professor Fate: Leslie escaped with a chicken?

Max: Rise and shine, Professor.
Professor Fate: You rise! You shine.

Professor Fate: What's next?
Max: Car number five, the engine falls out.
Professor Fate: Car number five! Ha ha ha ha... Er, Max, we're number five.

Cowboy: He's lucky Texas Jack ain't around... he'd gun that dude for sure.
Professor Fate: Pardon me, Mr. Pahd-nuh, who is this Texas Jack?
Cowboy: WHO'S texas jack?
Professor Fate: Who?
Cowboy: The roughest, toughest gunslinger in these parts... Lilly's his girl.
Professor Fate: Whoo, hoo, hoo... Lilly's his girl.
Max: Terrific.

Professor Fate: The world is mine.
Max: The world is ours.

Professor Fate: She's his Achilles heel, she's our ace in the hole - she must not be left behind.

Professor Fate: Press the button Max!

Professor Fate: Sh-sh-sh-sh-shut up.

Professor Fate: What'd I tell you? I said she'd win the race for us, the bubble-headed vixen.

John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it.
Max Goldman: What's your point?

John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor.
Max Goldman: You cut the anchor you dumb ass.
John Gustafson: Alright, then grab the net.
Max Goldman: You cut that too you dick head.

Grandpa: I'm done.
John Gustafson: Pop, I really wish you'd try the low fat bacon.
Grandpa: Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which gets filled first.