Ace Ventura: Aaalll righty then.
Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.
Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.
Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer.
Aguado: Hey. Hey, Ventura. Make any good collars, lately?
Cop: Or were they leashes?
[Everyone laughs at Ace. Ace laughs and turns around.]
Aguado: Uh-oh!
[Aguado sees a bug scampering across the floor and steps on it.]
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how you gonna solve that one?
Ace: That's a good question, Aguado. First I'd establish a motive. In this case, the killer saw the size of the bug's dick, and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose thirty pounds, porking his wife.
Mr. Shickadance: Venturaaahhh!
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? [Turns around.] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Ace Ventura: I'm looking for Ray Finkle...
[A shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head.]
Ace Ventura: ...and a clean pair of shorts.
Lois Einhorn: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you'd better be gone!
Ace Ventura: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.
Sexy Woman: Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?
Ace: Well, a reward would be good. There was some damage to my car. It's a high performance machine, so I had to fill it with premium.
[The woman interrupts Ace by kissing him.]
Sexy Woman: Would you like for me to take your pants off instead?
Ace: Gee, let me think. Um, sure.
Ace Ventura: Excuse me, I'd like to ass you a few questions.
Emilio Emilio: This is not the time Ace, if Einhorn came down here and saw me talking to you, or your ass, I'll be history.
Ace Ventura: Wow. Ray Finkle's house. I can't wait to meet him.
Mr. Finkle: Ray ain't coming home.
Ace Ventura: But your wife said you expect him home any minute.
Mr. Finkle: She expects him home any minute. See the engine's running, but, uh, there's nobody behind the wheel. I mean, eight years ago, our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental in Tampa. And they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff.
Mrs. Finkle: It was all that Dan Marino's fault. Everybody knows that. If he had held the ball laces out like he was supposed to Ray never would have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.
Melissa: Hi, Roger. How are you holding up?
Roger: Well, if it looks like I'm walking funny it's because two dozen reporters up my ass! They've been asking me about Snowflake all morning.
Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
[Ace looks at the dog owner in his mirror as he's smashing the car with the baseball bat.]
Ace Ventura: Warning, assholes are grosser than they appear!
Ronald Camp: I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ace! I'll have the plumbing checked immediately!
Ace Ventura: Be sure that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed.
Chosen answer: That scene was cut originally by the director Tom Shadyack because the scene did not support the story and thought it slowed the film down. (And the scene was cut from the US version as well.) It was added back later in TV versions of the film. Fan enjoyed the scene so much they asked it be put back in the film version. I know the DVD has it because I own it. It's hilarious!