Stanley Roper: I want my rent.
Helen Roper: Stanley, where are your manners? You're supposed to say hello when you walk into a room.
Stanley Roper: Hello, I want my rent.
Jack Tripper: And speaking of current events, did you read the big news in the paper this morning?
Chrissy: The May Company is having a huge sale on pantyhose.
Jack Tripper: Excuse me, Chrissy, that's not exactly a current event.
Chrissy: It is so, it's going on right now.
Ralph Furley: Ohhhh, I'm through with women.
Jack Tripper: Aww.
Ralph Furley: Don't you get any ideas.
Diane McMillan: Janet, do you know what I do for a living?
Janet Wood Dawson: Of course I do! It's right here on your card in black and white. Diane McMillan, The Rapist.
Jack Tripper: That's therapist.
Janet's Father: She always did have trouble with her reading.
Mrs. Roper: I need a new stove.
Stanley Roper: There's nothing wrong with the stove you have, it works just fine.
Mrs. Roper: Well, I better not break up the set.
Stanley Roper: What set?
Mrs. Roper: An old stove, and old husband, and they both take too long to heat up.
Chrissy: You know, if women ran the world there'd be none of these stupid wars.
Janet Wood Dawson: Yeah.
Stanley Roper: Yeah, all the countries would nag each other to death.
Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't tell anybody you're a chef, okay?
Jack Tripper: Okay, mum's the word.
Janet Wood Dawson: Well, it's not that there's anything wrong with what you do, Jack. It's just that... everybody here looks so important and we want to make a good impression. Well, you understand, don't you?
Jack Tripper: Of course, pumpkin.
Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, thanks.
Jack Tripper: You're ashamed of me.
Stanley Roper: What's the cake for?
Helen Roper: We're celebrating.
Stanley Roper: Celebrating what?
Helen Roper: The tenth anniversary of my new spring outfit.
Chrissy: Jack, that smells good.
Jack Tripper: Chrissy, I haven't even started cooking yet.
Chrissy: Well, you better hurry up and start cooking so you can catch up with the smell.
Jack Tripper: Larry, haven't you ever thought of telling a girl the truth?
Larry: Well, I figure, anyone who gets up an hour early to put on eyeliner, fake eyelashes, and plastic nails isn't someone who wants to hear the truth.
Stanley Roper: I came up to shampoo your rug.
Chrissy: Why? Does it have dandruff?
Janet Wood Dawson: Chrissy, your dad is a minister, what does he usually say to couples in trouble?
Chrissy: He tells them to keep the baby.
Terri: I just felt sorry for you.
Jack Tripper: Sorry for me? Why would anybody feel sorry for me?
Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, lots of reasons.
Larry: I just wanted to know if you wanted to spend an evening with a beautiful, young lady.
Jack Tripper: No thanks, pal. I'd rather spend an evening with Janet.
