Quotes from Vince Vaughn movies and TV shows

David: Congratulations, "darling."
Brett: I had it. I had pitched the perfect game, and I had to screw the whole thing up. My mother saw the whole thing on TV.
David: She must have been surprised to find out that you had a male lover.
Brett: No. She said she always suspected it. She told me we would make a lovely couple.
David: And your kids?
Brett: They think it's cool.

David: Do your kids play professional basketball?
Brett: No, not to my knowledge but I will enquire. They don't tell me everything.

David: You see what happens when the tofu hits the grill. Nothing. Exactly what happens when the tofu hits our taste buds.

Susan Warner: I feel like I'm your Deep Throat. Have you seen that movie?
Ronny Valentine: All the President's Men?
Susan Warner: No, Deep Throat.

Ronny Valentine: I'd like to make a toast, to Burt and Sue. Wow,50 years. I'd like to think that something that got you through those 50 years is a little friend I'd like to call honesty.
Burt: And love.
Ronny Valentine: Yes, that, which I think goes along with love.
Cousin Betty: And similar interests.
Ronny Valentine: Excuse me, who are you?
Cousin Betty: I'm Cousin Betty.
Ronny Valentine: First?
Cousin Betty: Second.
Ronny Valentine: You see, that doesn't really qualify. Someone can have sex with their second cousin and the kid would still be fine. You can't hide from the truth because it will come back.

Peter La Fleur: Are you sure that this is completely necessary?
Patches O'Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur: Probably not.
Patches O'Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.

Peter La Fleur: Don't worry so much about this Amber situation. It'll all work itself out in the end.
Justin: Thanks, Pete.
Peter La Fleur: You'll laugh at this one day. I'm laughing already.

Peter La Fleur: Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony" card.

Kate Veatch: I'm curious, is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life?
Peter La Fleur: I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... It feels phenomenal.

Peter La Fleur: You had me at blood and semen.

Kate Veatch: I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.
Peter La Fleur: Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes?
Kate Veatch: Sexual harassment, mostly.

Brad: My childhood was like the Shawshank Redemption, except I didn't have some old, warm, black man to share my story with.

Brad: I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a ten dollar spending cap.
Howard: Well, maybe if you came home more than once a decade, you'd know crap like that.

Fred Claus: Nick, there's been one thing that's been eating at me since I've been here. That Naughty-Nice List that you got? There's no naughty kids, Nick. They're all good kids. But some of them are scared. And some of them don't feel listened to. Some of them had some pretty tough breaks too. But every kid deserves a present on Christmas.

Willie: Charlene, do you think it's possible we can make enough gifts to meet our quota?
Charlene: Baseball bats, lose four seconds, 55... Yeah, it is possible.
Willie: It is, but, Fred, that's not what the kids asked for.
Fred Claus: Yeah, but all that matters is that each of the kids get a toy. That they have something that they can open when they wake up in the morning. Most importantly, they all know there's somebody who's thinking about them.

Willie: Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable on bottom, Fred?
Fred Claus: To be honest Willie, I don't think it's gonna make much of a difference either way.

Clyde: Where do you think you're going?
Fred Claus: Delivering presents.
Clyde: No you're not! Santa is the only one who can deliver the presents.
Willie: No, only a Claus can deliver the presents, and that is a Claus.

Fred Claus: Only one man's going to walk away from this thing, and I promise you! It's going to be the lightning-quick dude with the big yellow things in his hands! Dig it?

DJ Donnie: What up, Brother Fred? Can I get a 'ho ho... '?
Fred Claus: No.
DJ Donnie: Ooh, you Scrooge, you lose.

Graham Hawtrey: Hello, William. I've been watching you.
Billy McMahon: You should choose your words a little more carefully in a bath house.
Graham Hawtrey: In the words of Nelly: 'It's getting hot in here.' And it's getting hot there, too.