Quotes from Kevin James movies and TV shows

Otis the Cow: That's what you call boy tipping.

Marty Streb: If you're gonna lose, then I'm gonna help you lose. Deal?
Scott Voss: Deal. Let's do this. Let's lose.

Albert: You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But, at the same time, hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you?

Frank: Maybe you'll find your own fireworks on the cruise.
Dracula: It's not the Love Boat, Frank.

Chuck Levine: Going in alive.
Larry Valentine: Coming out the same way.

Phone Operator: What is your name?
Larry Valentine: Larry Valentine.
Phone Operator: I didn't quite hear that.
Larry Valentine: Larry Valentine.
Phone Operator: You said, "Barry Schmalintine"
Larry Valentine: Schmalintine.
Phone Operator: You said "Schmalintine"
Larry Valentine: I was enunciating.
Phone Operator: You said, "I was enunciating!"
Larry Valentine: Wheeew.
Phone Operator: You said, "Wheeew!".

Asian Minister: Civil or religious?
Chuck Levine: Religious. I'm Jewish, I don't wanna piss my mother off.
Larry Valentine: I'm Catholic, I don't wanna piss Mel Gibson off.

Larry Valentine: Chuck. What's going on, man?
Chuck Levine: Brace yourself, Larry. What I'm gonna tell you is pretty rough. They removed your entire body. You're nothing but a head now.
Larry Valentine: What?
Chuck Levine: They said that there was enough fat in your head to rebuild you a new body, so they got scientists in the other room working on it. God willing, you're gonna be all right.
Larry Valentine: Oh, you know, you're such a dick.

Jerky Boy: Mr. Valentine, you said you're a fireman.
Larry Valentine: Yes, that is correct.
Jerky Boy: Do you have two jobs? Because my dad said that you're also a butt pirate.

Larry Valentine: Chuck, we really pulled this one out our asses.
Chuck Levine: Bad choice of words there, Larry. Bad choice of words.

Fat City - S1-E2

Doug Heffernan: Hey, Deac, let me ask you, do you think Carrie's gained weight?
Deacon Palmer: Say what?
Doug Heffernan: Carrie, my wife, do you think she's gained a little weight, a couple pounds, maybe?
Deacon Palmer: I don't know. Every time I see her she's blocked by you.

Ssiscool ★

Animal Attraction - S5-E15

Doug Heffernan: OK, I read somewhere that penguins are scared of walruses... So get down there and act like a walrus.
Deacon Palmer: OK so the two of us are up for the role of walrus, and I get it?

Ssiscool ★

Mean Streak - S4-E3

Doug Heffernan: There's no I in IPS, Actually there is, right in the beginning. (00:04:30)

Ssiscool ★

Pilot - S1-E1

Carrie Heffernan: I have a surprise for you.
Doug Heffernan: You're pregnant. Yes!
Carrie Heffernan: No.
Doug Heffernan: Thank God!

Ssiscool ★

Paul Blart: Safety never takes a holiday.

Paul Blart: I took a sworn oath to protect this mall and all inside it.
Security Guard: Paul, we don't have an oath.
Paul Blart: I know. I made one up. It's hanging in my room.

Veck Sims: When are you gonna give up, Blart?
Paul Blart: How about now? I'll meet you on the corner of "NE" and "VER"!

Paul Blart: This lemonade is insane!
Vijay: That's because it's a Margarita, Paul.

Maya Blart: Look, Dad, you're going to have to get use to the idea that I'm a big girl now.
Paul Blart: Ok, first of all, we're all big. We're Blarts. Wide hips, thick ankles, and a low center of gravity. That's how the good Lord made us. That's why we're no good at running hurdles. Never will be.

Bishop73

Paul Blart: Security's been breached. Of course. Eduardo's in on it. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on...me. No, that's me twice. That doesn't work.

Bishop73