Quotes from Ashton Kutcher movies and TV shows

Kayleigh Miller: Where'd you learn those new tricks?
Evan: What? It... It wasn't... Weird... Was it?
Kayleigh Miller: Yeah, if you call multiple orgasms weird!

Chinese Food Lady: And then?
Jesse: No "and then"!
Chinese Food Lady: And then?

Chester: Is that a barn?
Jesse: Is it red?
Chester: No.
Jesse: Then it isn't a barn!

Mr. Pizzacoli: A trained dolphin could deliver pizzas better than you two!
Jesse: But then the pizzas would get all wet.

Jesse: I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games!

Chester: Dude, you just touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo.
Jesse: Shibby!
Chester: Low five.

Jumpsuit Chick #1: If you are Jesse and Chester, maybe we will give you erotic pleasure.
Jesse: That's us!
Chester: Right here!

Jesse: I do not want to go down in history as the guy who destroyed the universe.

Jesse: Dude, this is an *emergency*!
Chester: So is this. It's a break-dancing stripper emergency!

Jesse: Dude, where's my car?
Chester: Where's your car dude?
Jesse: DUDE, where's my car?
Chester: Where's your car dude?

Jesse: Have you seen my car?
Christie Boner: Yeah.
Jesse: You have?
Christie Boner: Well, I saw the backseat.
Jesse: No, I'm talking about the whole thing.

Chester: How wasted were we last night?
Jesse: Well, I touched Christy Boner's hoo-hoo, were on the hook for two hundred thousand dollars to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted.

Danny Doran: Can you die from chlorine poisoning?
Billy Hodge: I can't feel my legs. I'm serious.
Jake Fischer: I don't know about you guys, but I feel good.
Ken Weatherly: This Randall guy, he's operating on some whole other cylinder. What is it, two weeks, and he's failed half the class already?
Ken Weatherly: He's a legend. They say he's got something like 200 saves.
Danny Doran: I heard it was 300.
Jake Fischer: Who cares what his number is? If he's such a stud, what's he doing here?

Jake Fischer: So do you have a name?
Emily Thomas: Yes, "Don't forget my money "
Jake Fischer: OK... Do you have middle name?

Jake Fischer: What's your real number?
Ben Randall: 22.
Jake Fischer: 22? That's not bad. It's not 200 but.
Ben Randall: 22 is the number of people I lost, Jake. The only number I kept track of.

Jake Fischer: How do you choose who to save?
Ben Randall: I swim as fast and as hard as I can, for as long as I can. And the sea takes the rest.

Jake Fischer: You're going to kick me out for defending the Coast Guard?
Ben Randall: The Coast Guard has been around for 200 years. I doubt a couple of knuckleheads like yourself are going to defend it.

Jake Fischer: Does this mean you're not going to fail me.
Ben Randall: For what? Backing up a buddy at a bar? Then I've got to bigger problems than you.

Jake Fischer: That guy who holds all them records, is he still alive?
Capt. Frank Larson: Why do you ask?
Jake Fischer: Just thought you ought to let him know I'm about to knock his name off that board.
Capt. Frank Larson: Why don't you let him know yourself? He's standing right behind you.

Emily Thomas: How does Jake Fischer become a guy who wants to jump out of helicopters?
Jake Fischer: I killed a couple guys and had to get out of Dodge.
Emily Thomas: You're lying.
Jake Fischer: There is that possibility.
Emily Thomas: The truth?
Jake Fischer: My bull riding career was going down the drain.