Lou: So my boss, he was talking to me about how many sick days I've taken. And I was like, you know 'Don't go there, ' you know. But he kept on about wanting to see some kind of a doctor's note or something. And I said 'Look, I'm seriously serious. You don't want to go there. He kept talking and talking and being such a nag, and I just blacked out. I blacked out. And I woke up, and I was standing over him and I was screaming "I told you not to go there! I told you not to go there!"
Chuck: I'm in a mood, Dave. A bad mood, a very bad mood! I was fired from my ice cream truck job today! No more Fudgicles.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave assaulted a female flight attendant in mid-air.
Stacy: Nice.
Gina: I bet you beat her good.
Dave Buznik: I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman.
Chuck: Liar, bullshitter, you're a woman beater! And you can't admit it, because you're a deluded piece of garbage.
Dave Buznik: I don't know about all that but... now I know why you're here.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: ...You're on my side of the arm rest. We're not gonna have problems, are we?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Let me explain something to you, Dave. There are two kinds of angry people in this world: explosive and implosive. Explosive is the kind of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking their coupons. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and finally shoots everyone in the store. You're the cashier.
Dave Buznik: No, no, no. I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section dialling 911. I swear.
Blind Man: Happy now, asswipe?
Lou: Eskimos seem nice.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: She said she was going out with a friend named Andrea.
Dave Buznik: She doesn't have a friend named Andrea. Did she say Andrew?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Oh, ah, yes Andrew... the testicle with legs.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: In Europe, it's not considered unusual for three of four men to share a bed.
Dave Buznik: That's why I'm proud to be an American.
Dave Buznik: I'm sorry I was so rude before... but... it's difficult for me... to... express myself... when I am on the verge of... exploding in my pants.
Kendra: You are too cute.
Dave Buznik: Get the fuck out of here.
Chuck: You come down here before the black wolf swallows my brain! aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
Dave Buznik: Why couldn't you have told her something else? I was at the bank! I was at the store! I ate bad guacamole and couldn't stop shitting! Any of those things would have been fine.
Chuck: I still remember the war.
Dave Buznik: Oh, yeah?
Chuck: Yeah... Remember waking up to the sound of bombs dropping and children screaming.
Dave Buznik: Oh, you were in Vietnam?
Chuck: No... Grenada.
Dave Buznik: Didn't that, like, last only 12 hours?
Older Arnie Shankman: Did you get it on with my sister?
Dave Buznik: Over and over again. And she moaned like a wildebeast.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Wildebeast.
Dave Buznik: Look everybody, Pana Banana's got a heinie! He's got a heinie.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: So Peanut likes the spicy humor. Maybe he'd enjoy the knee-slapper you told me earlier about the great Buddha.
Older Arnie Shankman: Oh, what did you say about Buddha?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave said, "How does a guy who weighs over six hundred pounds have the balls to teach people about self-discipline?"
Chuck: Yeah? And I'm sure I just heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark.
Dave Buznik: Are you Jewish?
Chuck: I could be, but no. Half Irish, half Italian, half Mexican.
Chuck: I think Eskimos are smug.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Alright, I'm going to need for you to retard your anger level a few notches and listen to me, can you do that?
Dave Buznik: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah... it's retarded, I'm retarded.
Answer: It's really not uncommon for movies to remove bits and pieces when broadcast on TV. Movies aren't just cut for content, they're also cut for timing. (Ex. "Shanghai Knights" used to be absolutely butchered when shown on cable - there were entire scenes missing, which created glaring mistakes.) It's also not uncommon for TV versions or foreign releases to change or remove cultural references, or use alternate takes depending on the language used. Depending on where you live, it could very easily just be that the version you're seeing is one of these alternate versions that was then also trimmed down to fit a TV timeblock.
TedStixon