Droz: What's this? You're wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see? Don't be that guy.
Bantam: America's greatest president.
Rand: It's me, Rand. Open up.
Bantam: America's greatest president.
Rand: Damn it. "Who is Ronald Reagan?"
Bantam: A casual shoe for yachting.
Rand: What are you trying to figure out, B.D.? Who could I be?"What is a blucher?"
Bantam: They killed Jesus Christ.
Rand: "Who are the Jews?" Open up, sucko.
Moonbeam: Meat tosser.
Droz: Hi, is Sam in there?
Womynist #1: "In there"? What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Womynist #2: Yeah, cock-man-oppressor.
Droz: Why, thank you. Could you just tell her that Mr. Pokey stopped by.
Pigman: "A Bridge Too Far." Caine and Hackman in the same movie. This is my thesis man! This is my closing argument! I CAN stop watching TV.
President Garcia-Thompson: Well I think Bisexual Asian Studies should have its own building. The question is: who goes? The math department or the hockey team? I think the hockey team. Think about it.
Droz: We need kegs. Multiple, cold and domestic.
Droz: All right right, whaddya need? Bottle rockets, dental dams, Redi Wips, term papers?
Droz: Well, you call those useless, yerk-toting, frisbee-chucking cheeba-monkeys and you tell them you're gonna be an hour late.
President Garcia-Thompson: You passed out cigarettes for a smoke-a-thon on Earth Day. You installed speed bumps on the handicapped ramps and, most recently, you dumped 100 pounds of... meat on a peaceful vegan protest.
Droz: Oh, come on! That was way more than 100 pounds.
Droz: These, Tom, are the Causeheads. They find a world-threatening issue and stick with it for about a week.
Tom: What's he doin?
Droz: He's finishing his senior thesis. Pigman is trying to prove the Caine-Hackman theory. No matter what time it is, 24 hours a day, you can find a Michael Caine or Gene Hackman movie playing on TV.
Tom: That's his thesis?
Droz: Yes! That's the beauty of college these days, Tommy! You can major in Game Boy if you know how to bullshit.
Katy: Hey, Droz, how 'bout this: Tonight, at the Pit, "Everyone Gets Laid."
Droz: It's tasteless, disgusting, and offensive. I love it.
Womynist #2: Stop the penis party.
Droz: What's your major?
Sanskrit Major: Sanskrit.
Droz: Sanskrit. You're majoring in a 5000 year-old dead language?
Sanskrit Major: Yeah.
Droz: Want some advice?
Tom: Well, yeah.
Droz: Well, here's all you need to know. Classes: nothing before eleven. Beer: it's your best friend, you drink a lot. Women? You're a freshman, so it's pretty much out of the question. Will you have a car?
Tom: Uh, no.
Droz: Someone on your floor will. Find them and make friends with them on the first day.
