Barman: Time, gents, please.
Withnail: Alright, we're going to have to work quickly. A pair of quadruple whiskies and another pair of pints, please.
Withnail: Right, you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up!
Marwood: No, no, you can't. It's impossible, I swear it. I've looked into it. Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing! You haven't slept in sixty hours, you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.
Withnail: This IS the morning. Stand aside!
Marwood: You don't understand. I think there may be something living in there, I think there may be something alive.
Withnail: What do you mean? a rat?
Marwood: It's possible, it's possible.
Withnail: Then the fucker will rue the day!
Withnail: We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now!
Withnail: I've some extremely distressing news.
Marwood: I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anything. Oh God, it's a nightmare, I tell you, it's a nightmare.
Withnail: We just ran out of wine. What are we gonna do about it?
Marwood: I don't know, I don't know. Oh God, I don't feel good. My thumbs have gone weird! I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose! Oh God. My heart's beating like a fucked clock! I feel dreadful, I feel really dreadful!
Withnail: So do I, so does everybody. Look at my tongue, it's wearing a yellow sock. Sit down for Christ's sake, what's the matter with you? Eat some sugar.
Marwood: What happened to your cigar commercial?
Withnail: That's what I want to know! What happened to my cigar commercial? What happened to my agent? Bastard must have died.
Marwood: September. It's a bad patch.
Withnail: Rubbish. Haven't seen Gielgud down the labour exchange! Why doesn't he retire?
Monty: I can never touch meat until it's cooked. As a youth I used to weep in butcher's shops.
Withnail: I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze!
Danny: The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to 12 skins. It is called a Camberwell Carrot.
Marwood: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.
Danny: It's impossible to make a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.
Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it looks like a carrot.
Uncle Monty: I adore you. Tell him if you must, I no longer care. I mean to have you even if it must be burglary.
Withnail: I feel like a pig shat in my head.
Chosen answer: I'm not sure they are friends, they were just thrown together by circumstance. Withnail treats Marwood badly throughout the film. When Marwood gets his role, he smartens himself up and can't wait to get out of there, not even bothering to move his stuff out, saying his dad will do it. I think that they both realise that it's the end of their relationship, and Marwood just wants to get it over with.
Madstunts